Nothing But Trouble

What correlation is there between the career of Demi Moore and her boob enlargement? On a personal level, I’ve started to enjoy her films more since she’s had them done. That doesn’t mean I actually like her films, well, except for A Few Good Men, and that’s only because the navy white shirt she wore had a role of its own, and could often be seen entering a scene up to two feet before Demi did.

If we could chart my level of interest in Demi pre and post boob job, it would look something like this:

(click chart to enlarge)

You can clearly see that interest picked up the point where the large hand indicates that Demi had her chest enlarged to the size of small water buffalos. Prior to this point, she had starred in films on the basis of her acting ability and natural appeal. But after the “Boob Event Point�, she only starred in movies because she slept with someone important or was able to get a separate starring role and trailer for her puppies.

Nothing But Trouble is a good example of this theory. This is a deeply flawed film for many reasons. Many people will tell you that it was the fault of first time director Dan Aykroyd. He also had a starring role, but because he co-wrote and directed the film he only had to sleep with himself to be involved. For a comedy, it has remarkably little comedic content. For an action film, it has remarkably little action. For a period drama about the women left behind while their husband’s went off to fight in the Boer War, it has remarkably few women waiting for their husbands while they’re at war. What we do know for a fact is that it is indeed a film. Unless, of course, it was actually shot on rotting vegetables, in which case it’s really compost.

But even Demi’s involvement could not save this film/compost. Chevy Chase tries valiantly by acting the buffoon as per usual, poor John Candy even took two roles to no avail and probably much to the detriment of his career and naturally Dan Aykroyd stinks to high heaven in his vanity role of beastly and antiquated judge for the imaginary town of Valkenvania.

Referring back to the chart, we see that this film fell well before the “Boob Event Point�. At this stage, Demi was more or less flat chested, so male film critics could only refer to the crapulence of the film rather than her physical attributes. This, naturally, resulted in a critical savaging. However, had the film fallen on the other side of the BEP, then critics could have made extensive mention of the wonderfully enhanced breast of Ms Moore, and the film might have had a slightly better chance of box office survival as the eager male public rushed to catch a glimpse of her zeppelins before realising too late that the film itself was rubbish.

As it stands, based upon the evidence I’ve presented here, it is clear that Nothing But Trouble is the stinker that many people have made it out to be, and in fact never stood a chance without the assistance of Demi Moore, some saline, rubber and a wonderbra.

The End.

The only thing worse than this picture is the fact they expect you to buy it. If we were living in the U.S. about five years ago, then you might have thought this was okay, but this is Australia, it's 2003, and this shit simply is not good enough. A pan and scan NTSC transfer is simply a cost cutting exercise that insults the buyer and makes a joke of the company providing it. The picture itself is merely adequate at best, and doesn't deserve an indepth examination. Save your money for another film released by someone else in PAL and in its original theatrical aspect ratio.

A largely uninspiring Dolby Stereo Surround audio mix that does nothing to lift the film. Don’t go listening too hard for how it utilises the rear mono channel because there aren’t any standout moments, and the front stage is left pretty flat as well with stereo imaging bare and mostly uneventful. Best I can say is that the majority of the dialogue is clear, but that doesn’t mean it’s worth listening to.

Stuff all. In fact, try to avoid the menu system entirely if you can, as it looks antiquated and embarrassing by modern standards. Hang your heads in shame for trying to pass off this crap on the public.

At one point in this film, Demi Moore says "I don't know how much more of this crap I can take."

Amen, Demi. Amen.

This is simply a piss-poor effort in all areas. The film sucks, the transfer sucks, the DVD sucks. Its very release is an affront to the DVD buying public. Vote with your wallets, people, and go buy a good book instead.