Holy Man

Are you sick and tired of all those DVDs you have sitting around just doing nothing? Are you sick of the way they take up valuable storage space but contribute zero to your daily life other than displaying the occasional film?

Then you need the new CrudTel Holy Man! Yes, the amazing new Holy Man DVD from Crudtel is the answer to your prayers. Looking just like any other DVD in your collection, Holy Man is actually a multipurpose surprise that you’ll wonder how you ever did without!

It slices, it dices, it’s a serving platter, it’s an entertainment centre, it’s a multipurpose ultra-functional supertool that will solve all your problems, make you look years younger and have your friends screaming in amazement, “What have you done with your gonads!? They look fantastic!�

Yes, Holy Man might look like every other DVD on the market, but believe me when I say that it’s not. Independent research shows that in fact this is the only DVD available which has this film on it. Some DVDs might pretend to be about Holy Man, but don’t be fooled! Only Holy Man contains the following story: Television Shopping Channel executive Ricky Hayman (the infinitely watchable Jeff Goldblum) is about to lose his job because of falling sales. He needs a miracle - he needs salvation - and he needs it fast! Before you can say, “And it’s only 35 easy monthly instalments!�, he meets G (a remarkably restrained Eddie Murphy), a spiritual new age wonder who exudes a calmness and view on life which goes against everything Home Shopping stands for. Accidentally wondering on air during an infomercial, G’s ramblings connect with the viewers and sales rocket. With his salvation in sight, Ricky puts G on the air to sell all his products and his career is saved. But G’s philosophy soon extends beyond the products he spruiks, and even Ricky will discover that there’s more to life that selling laundry balls and chainsaws.

That’s right, this tiny piece of plastic fantastic contains this whole entertaining story and still so much more! But the fun and entertaining roles from Goldblum and Murphy aren’t all you get. For no extra, you also get the attractive and likable Kelly Preston, the old and rascally Robert Loggia and the always welcome on our screens Jon Cryer! Yes, you get to watch all these fine Hollywood stars in supporting roles! You’ll be moved, you’ll laugh, you’ll be so excited you’ll poop on the floor! But even that’s not a problem, because this brilliant Holy Man DVD is also a Movie-Pooper-Scooper! Just slide the unique ultra-thin disc between the mess and the floor and scoop the gunk up into the rubbish. And the scientifically designed surface is water repellent, so to clean up just place it under a running tap and wipe dry! Amazing! You can even eat off it afterwards. In fact, why not buy a set of six Holy Man DVDs to use as a table setting and amaze your friends at your next dinner party with the eye-catching silver discs peeking up from behind a delicious roast pig?! And if you’ve run out of carving knives or lent them to your neighbours like we sometimes do, then the ultra-durable Holy Man DVD can even be used to hack your roast into tasty bite sized pieces!

But that’s not all! No way, José! This incredible DVD also has chapter stops, so you can jump to your favourite part of the film instantly! Did you like the way Murphy arched his eyebrows in chapter 10? Then jump straight to it! No more messy fiddling around frantically searching back and forth through the film at high speeds wasting valuable seconds of your life. Now, using your remote control, you can just jump straight to that spot and relive that eyebrow moment over and over again with ease from the comfort of your chair.

So what are you waiting for? Get on the phone right now and call CrudTel to order your very own Holy Man DVD today! And the best part is, you can own it for only 25 easy monthly payments of 80 cents, plus $45 postage, handling and insurance!

Get Holy Man today, and be the sexy exciting person you’ve always wanted to be, not the disgusting lazy slob you are right now.

What are you waiting for? Pick up that phone!

This film is only a few years old, so you would expect a quite good looking DVD, and it is in most respects. Let’s get the niggling bits out the way first. Aliasing is slightly visible on occasions. There’s also some slight edge enhancement. Notice I say “slight� for both of these, because they don't intrude upon the viewing experience too much. The worst picture problem I definitely noticed was a small juddering to some pans and other shots. I have no idea what has caused this, as it’s fairly inconsistent in appearance. Sometimes it’s more pronounced than other times, sometimes non-existent. Even in some static shots it occurred, kind of like the effect of digital-stabilisation which happens in mini-DV cams, or the NTSC-like judder, possibly even telecine wobble, I just don't know. I have the feeling that some people won’t notice it at all, but others will find it annoying. Hopefully, it’s just me, but I doubt it. Finally, anything I could find on the aspect ratio states that it should be 2.35:1, but this DVD is framed at 1.78:1, so I don't know what happened here either. Someone's wrong, but I'm not pointing fingers, because the framing doesn't look strange at all, and a 2.35:1 aspect would probably be over the top with regards to the framing of shots based on what we have here.

Other than that (yes, I know, that's a few negative things I mentioned), the picture quality is great. Not bright, but with strong warm colours (sometimes a little too warm for my liking), generally natural looking and good shadow detail. The print is very clean with nothing adverse worth noting, and the picture is very smooth and at times sharply detailed. The only thing that stops the experience from being a total success for me is the juddering, for otherwise it’s all pleasing enough.

The only complaint you’ll raise is early Goldblum dialogue, which in his famous style has several lines which are largely unintelligible. But that’s more because he has a habit of talking to himself while he acts, rather than any problem that the transfer has generated. This will frustrate, and you’ll turn the volume up a bit and rewind a bit, but even so there is still one line I can’t make out at all. That Jeff, if he wasn’t so damn watchable, I’d slap him one big time! No, the transfer itself is fine, nothing extraordinary, mind you, just pleasantly capable of creating the audio environment of the film reasonably faithfully I’d imagine, from a film that doesn’t really call upon the sound department to create anything which will tax any system too greatly. It generates some nice ambience, the frontstage isn’t too flat, dialogue is perhaps a little mushy sometimes, but again another pleasant effect.

Bonus features are just another hollow material pursuit that drives us further from the path of true enlightenment as a species. In other words, we don’t get any.

This film sets out to rubbish consumerism, home shopping, lack of faith, greed, materialism, religion and steak knives. It gets a pot shot at them all, but nothing deep enough to warrant any further consideration. The story feels underwritten and hollow, yet it’s not a totally unsatisfying experience. Murphy is second string to Goldblum’s failing exec, and his calm projection is a change from his manic showboating roles. It’s Goldblum’s role that works best though, but then I think that’s true in almost any case involving him.

Other than the strange quirks with the video aspect of the film, it's a reasonably fine DVD, but the lack of extras doesn't do it any favours. Still, the story tells us that we don't need extras anyway, so who am I to argue with movie logic?