Black Knight

Here is an outline of the story: Jamal Walker (Martin Lawrence) is a worker (idiot) at a medieval fun park (Medieval World). He spots a medallion (necklace) in the water (H2O) while cleaning junk out of the moat (rhymes with goat), and when trying to retrieve it he is sucked under and transported to ancient times of castles, knights and fair maidens (the leftover set from First Knight). Stuff happens (who cares?) and he discovers that the evil King (actor with beard) has overthrown the rightful Queen (actor without beard), and so he becomes a reluctant part of the rebellion trying to restore her back to power (ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz...)

Here are some thoughts from my viewing of this... ahem... film:

They actually made this film?

This guy is sooooo not funny.

Really not funny.

Stupid story, maybe should have called it Shit Knight or A Connecticut Idiot in King Arthur’s Court.

Did the guy who gave this film the go-ahead know he was about to be fired or something?

Does Martin Lawrence think he’s funny? He’s not funny once throughout the film. You can tell he thinks he’s funny, because he doesn’t shut up, and says stuff like “Oh shit� and pulls faces a lot.

The director must be an idiot moron dipshit, because he thinks Lawrence is funny. He even says in his commentary that every cell in Lawrence’s body is funny. Every cell in Lawrence’s body is stupid, and every cell in the director's body is talentless.

Who wrote this script? Lawrence and a retarded chicken?

Then again, what script?

This makes Pluto Nash look like the greatest movie ever made.

Where’s this film going? There better be a point to all this.

Nope, there’s no point to this.

Unless the point is that they should never let Lawrence make another film.

That’s a good point.

...and naturally, a pile of shit of a film gets a beauty of a transfer, but then again DVD technology is so good, and most of the people creating them so competent, that 99% of DVDs are pretty much guaranteed to be spot on and hard to fault. In fact, I want the whole industry to take a bow! Go on, get up, take a bow and pat yourselves on the backs for the great job your doing. I know we can be hard on you all sometimes. I know it’s you who has to spend the money getting things done, not us, so how about we all forgive and forget and just try to get along? Huh? Whaddya say?

Anyway, this one has a ratio of 2.35:1, and it has that nerdy thing called “16:9 enhancement�. Yes, it's nerdy, but you need it. You don't know what it is or what it does, but if a website says you need it, then you really do. But it’s all wasted on Black Knight, because there isn’t anything really worthy of having wasted a few hundred thousand feet of film on, then having wasted a bit of plastic on afterwards. In fact, I’d question the decision to use 2.35:1 at all, rather than 1.85:1, which would have suited the style of the film much more. The choice of such a wide ratio can work against it at times, giving the feeling that it cuts off parts of the picture and framing things a little too tight vertically to be comfortable in a comedy.

It has a filmy kind of look, not too sharp, not too soft, a basically flawless and clear print, so you don’t get distracted from the film by little black or white marks. Unfortunately, in this case, because I could have used some distracting from this deadly dull and unfunny film. Colours are nice, reasonably natural looking, and dropping overall to more placid hues inside the castle sets, other than when they want a particular colour to stand out by using the brightest shade of it available, such as Walker’s bright green top which looks positively radioactive compared to his surrounds in the medieval part of the picture.

Filling the room a few times with an intensity that I found surprising, the Black Knight audio is better than expected, but not anything which saves your lack of enjoyment of the film. These better moments have a nice way of filling the front of the room and enveloping you from behind as well, immersing you in the scene quite fully, which can make you ponder how people can get any enjoyment from a modern film when listening through just their stereo television speakers. Other moments tend to collapse down to the typical centre bias, with ambient noise in the surrounds which improves within some scenes, such as the final battle. All of Lawrence’s stupid dialogue comes across loud and clear, as do all the spoken parts, balanced well within the output of the other channels. It’s just a shame that there’s nothing worth listening to here.

I’ll never figure out why sometimes a worthless film gets a truckload of bonus material and the good films get diddly. Case in point, Black Knight. I think you’ll struggle to find someone who actually enjoys the film, yet the disc is stuffed with the following:

Director's Commentary – Gil Junger
I can’t advise you listen to this, as it is so shallow and in the mould of “He was so great to work with, I want to have his children� that it just drove me f*cking batty. I mean, I watched the film, I didn’t enjoy it, I’m smart enough to recognise that most people won't either, yet when I have to go back and listen to the commentary and hear comments along the lines of “Lawrence is the funniest man on Earth, he’s just so funny, he made this bit up and this bit, and ad-libbed that bit and we were all crying it was so funny�, I gotta wonder if he’s even talking about the same film. You can expect to see this director shooting a straight-to-video feature in the near future, before disappearing totally.

Martin on Move Making – Saddle Sores (5 minutes)/Meet Sir Knolte (2:50)
This has two separate scenes, each inset with a small window of Lawrence discussing them. You’ll learn nothing, you’ll gather no more respect for him, and you’ll not discover a greater understanding and appreciation of the two scenes.

Outtakes (1:40)
A short collection of fluffs and gags, nothing funny, nothing interesting. Man, I’m in a bad mood, eh?

Featurette – A Timeless Friendship (8:19)
A standard featurette about the making of the film. Importantly, we learn that director Gil Junger actually encouraged Lawrence to just be himself. So now we know that Junger is to blame for this travesty. Then again, I guess it didn’t help that Lawrence was also executive producer, Junger was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t.

Featurette – Pratfalls and Parapets (6:27)
Focuses on the stuntwork in the film, involving mainly horse and swordplay. There’s nothing terribly amazing from a layman's point of view in any of the stunts, except for a guy who does a 360 degree flip in the air during a swordfight. There’s probably as much stuntwork in an episode of The Simpsons Halloween Special.

Storyboard to Scene Comparison – Rope-A-Dope (3:32)/Coliseum (1 minute)
Yes, well, these are comparisons, you see, between the final scenes and the storyboards of the scenes, both onscreen at the same time. It must be magic. Soooo dull.

Featurette – Construction (3:58)
The only extra I found interesting. This is about the work that went into creating the castle set and surrounding huts and stuff. It’s a lot of work. They painted all the stones in the walls by hand, you know that?

Three Deleted Scenes – With/Without Commentary from Dir. Junger
I think there’s been a mistake. They should have released these three scenes, and put the film in the deleted scenes section instead. The film would still suck, but it would only be about five minutes long.

Choreography (2:54)
And so we learn that Paula Abdul is to blame for the choreography in the “Dance to the Music� scene. She’s a friend of the director, so I guess that goes some way to explaining how bad the scene is.

Two Trailers
When the film is edited down to two minutes, it’s much better.

So even though none of this is terribly comprehensive, it’s still far more than Black Knight deserves. I guess it will help make it more palatable for the punters still unsure whether to shell out for this release, or buy food for their children.

In summary: Even though it’s only March, I’m still awarding Black Knight equal Worst Film Released on DVD for 2003, an honour it will share with Pluto Nash.

However, unlike Pluto Nash, there are some extras which may interest people, and with a very good transfer boasting a quality picture and favourable audio, the actual DVD release is quite a good package and recommended highly to someone who was hit on the head very hard with a rock and liked the film.

That person is not me.