In a utopian society of the future, centuries from now, an archaeologist named Kuntakinti Jones will find a copy of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation on DVD and he will proceed to the nearest museum where they keep old electronic gear where we will find a thousand year old DVD player and still working Plasma TV (yeah, all those rumours about Plasma having a limited life are lies, lies I tell you, just ask the people of the distant future).
After realising the museum didn’t archive the necessary cables to attach the TV to the DVD player he will request the services of his two cyborg servants, Harvey and Norman, who are quite clever for low budget trash compactors. Both are soon able to make a suitable cable out of a futuristic wire that glows neon pink, also known as man-pink. It’s pretty cool.
Curiosity killed the cat so Harvey and Norman ask on its behalf "What is the cable for?". After hearing the explanation, the new man-pink component cable is ready. Kuntakinti, Harvey and Norman are on their way back to the museum to connect up the TV and the DVD player. The necessity for such complex intricacies are hardly normal in this age. Tentatively pushing play on the remote control (those duracells last forever) they are presented with visions of the past, the likes of which nobody has seen in recent times. What they see will change their lives, and their world, forever.
Renée Zellweger stars as Jenny, a happy and outgoing teenager who takes a leisurely drive in the country with her boyfriend Sean and good friends Brad and Heather. When their car is rammed by a drunken polar bear, Jenny, Brad and Heather go for help while Sean stays behind to care for the injured dolphin.
They end up at the office of lawyers Hutz, Klutz, Lutz and Smith, where they call for help and then head back to the scene of the accident. Little do they know that help has already arrived in the form of Vilmer (adeptly played by Mathew McConohoeheheoheohe, sharkbait hoohaha), the local shoe salesman. While trying to comfort the injured baby seal it dies, as does Sean when he accidentally runs in front of Vilmers ‘Shoemobile’ several times.
In the darkness Brad and Heather get separated from Jenny who arrives back at the scene of the accident to find only a pool of custard and a note saying “Gone for milk, back in 5 minutes”.
Terrified that she is now alone in the woods with only an Abrams Main Battle tank for protection Jenny is relieved to see some headlights approaching. As Vilmer pulls up and enquires if he can be of assistance Jenny and his eyes lock, is this love at first sight?
Meanwhile, Brad and Heather have come across a small farmhouse and find W.E. and Leatherface quite willing to help them. Unfortunately Brad runs into a sledge hammer and it knocks him out cold while Heather backs into a meat hook and try as they might W.E. and Leatherface can’t get her off the hook.
We soon discover that the shoe salesman gig is just a cover for Vilmers real job, black ops agent for an organisation responsible for the Kennedy assassination and the shuttle disaster, among others.
I wont spoil the rest of the story for you, suffice to say that Jenny and Vilmer do find love, Brad gets hammered, Heather has the hottest night of her life and Leatherface learns to dance. If you enjoyed this synopsis, the movie is worse. If you didn't enjoy this synopsis, then the movie is worse.
The video is presented in the original theatrical aspect ratio of 1.85:1 and is 16:9 enhanced. Unfortunately it would be easier to list the video problems this transfers didn’t have rather than the ones it does. Grain is ever present, colours are muted and dull, compression artefacts, pixilation, aliasing, it’s got the lot: Super sized.
The movie should have been called The Texas Video Massacre. What a nightmare, if you’re hoping for a better quality version of this movie, stick with your third generation VHS copy.
The most impressive part of this release is 21 subtitle tracks from Arabian to Turkish and many in between, an impressive number considering the budget treatment the rest of the disc received. I would have liked to have seen a completely random subtitle track for a different movie altogether, just to see how it would match up.
Combine this with the equally impressive number of audio tracks, English, French, German, Italian, Spanish; and just about anyone on the planet will be able to 'enjoy' this movie. The numerous audio tracks on this disc are only available in a Dolby 2.0 format. Despite very muffled dialog throughout the movie the rest of the audio track is acceptable but not outstanding.
The extras are no more than what we’ve come to expect from a low effort release consisting of a Theatrical Trailer and static page Talent Profiles.
Overall, despite the dogs breakfast of a plot synopsis (sorry about that, you can find a real one here) this movie is quite a decent horror comedy if you’re into that sort of thing (and who isn't).
