Imagine you once lived with the circus. And you’re a monkey. I know, pretty sweet. Then imagine that when your performing years were spent, you were sold off to a professor who was running experiments on your species. Then, after you’ve spent many, many years as his lackey, doing all the shithouse jobs around his sprawling clifftop mansion, he decides to have you put down because you’ve started getting a bit dotty.
However, you’ve been clever these many years and have learned the language of the humans. So when he says on the phone he’s gonna have you offed, you decide you’ll turn the tables on the self-righteous prick who thinks you’re so expendable. The only problem is that he’s got a young intern staying with him and she’s kinda cute. Especially at bathtime. What’s a poor monkey to do?
Therein lies the basic plot of Link, a film named after our lead protagonist in the retired orangutan who goes on a murderous killing spree (and not without due cause it’s gotta be said). There’s also a subtle gag in the title, of course but that’s hardly necessary to explain. So not sure why I added that then actually.
While the premise is a bit weak, there are some genuinely well created moments of sub-terror here, though the menace all seems to lie in the fact that the monkey is smart enough to work our gadgets and play us off against each other. Strong as the thing is, or is spoken to be several times, it just doesn’t quite make the leap as successfully as it may have or it sounds on paper. An orangutan, while strong and agile, is still no real match for humans, particularly not a washed up old circus monkey who smokes too many cigars. However, if we look past that and anticipate the moments of Elisabeth Shue getting her kit off for some tub fun, then Link isn’t too bad. And that’s where the film plays its trump card anyway, as the wily old bastard takes on the fresh weak young thing in a battle of wits that can only have one winner. It’s the grudge match of all evolution and as soon as monkeys can make movies, we’ll hear how they feel about things.
There is of course, the other thing. This is a film about monkeys wearing suits and smoking cigars and ogling human chicks. Monkeys! They’re so much fun.
And such murderous little bastards.
Made in the golden age of cinema, 1986, Link doesn’t look too bad. There are some artefacts and the screen size is only 1.78:1 (with anamorphic monkey power) but otherwise everything looks fairly nice and clean. That includes the shadow detail in the underground cave and night shots, as well as the darker reaches of the cavernous mansion… those dank hidey-holes where all manner of monkeys might dwell, ready to attack and burn you with a cigar.
Delivered in the Dolby Digital 2.0 manner that is best befitting Monkeykind (and is recommended by four out of five chimps), the sound isn’t quite up to the calibre of the pictures. The balance between dialogue and music is out with music heavily dominating at times. The score has been created by Jerry Goldsmith, guilty for that other gorillatastic aural assembly in the score for Planet of the Apes (the first and only version). It’s an interesting score too, full of futuristic wonderment and ethereal curiosity and some cheeky monkey moments of comedy. On the subject of music, The Kinks manage to get their perennial classic I’m An Apeman in here not once, but twice, which is always welcome. What a great song. I too wish to sail away to a distant shore and act like an Apeman…
Okay, so the movie isn’t so crash hot. But as an early role for Elisabeth Shue, she does a great job and even if she uses a body double for the nudie bits (she does) we at least get to imagine it’s her all nekked. Terence Stamp is also his usual level of stern as the crafty professor and does well, but the true champions of the piece are in the monkey cast. They’re great.
It’s not a bad film yet it’s not all that great, but it does have murderous monkeys on a rampage and who can resist that? Certainly not I.
(Oh, and the first person to write me and complain that orangutans aren’t monkeys is a tool).
