Scooby-Doo's Greatest Mysteries

Ever get the feeling you’re being watched?

I do. That’s because I work for the Internet.

The Scooby-Doo Where Are You? show also gets the feeling it’s being watched. Apparently it’s getting watched like gangbusters, according to the case of this DVD. To quote:

So, it appears all 15 mental defectives who claim to be fans of this show have sat their tousled haired heads together and had a vote off. Systematically discarding ‘classic’ episode after ‘classic’ episode until we are left with this paltry collection of crap from the archives of The Bloodfist and Poodle Receivership Corporation Pty. Ltd..

I’m sorry, I know there’s going to be an uproar from all one of those fans who read this site, but I don’t care. I’ve prepared a brief statement:

This show is shit.

Statement ends.

Yeah, I watched it as a kid, but I was different then. My brain wasn’t properly developed yet and I was blind in one eye. Now I’m better. My brain works, my eyes work and I know crap when I see it. Scooby-Doo fans, no doubt are already wetting their rubber underpants, but even they may find bugger all here to get a woody over. This stuff is appalling. The storylines are a joke (who tries to fool people by dressing as a monster in every episode?), the special effects and ‘gags’ (in which they mean ‘laughs’ but I mean ‘heaving retches’) are shithouse and the animation… well, that made me laugh.

"Blasted meddling kids…"

I’ve not disgraced myself to see the ‘live-action’ version of this wretched series, and I can tell you without a moment’s hesitation, I never will. Nor its vulgar sequel. I’ll not ride the Spooky Coaster®™ at Movieworld®™ and I’ll not even discuss the possibility when people ask me at work if I’ve seen anything remotely resembling Scooby-Doo. I won’t even comment to them if they come up to me and tell me they read this review on the Internet. I’ll have erased the horror from my head long before then (fire is the cleanser) so I won’t even remember writing the review, let alone watching this crap collection of shit cartoons from before I was born.

Just for the record, there are four episodes here (as voted by the fans themselves; those pale 45 year old virgins who live in their parents’ basements). And, because the creators of the DVD know their fans’ vacuous minds so well, have put the entire program on both sides of the disc so it won’t matter which side they put it in on. Yeah, that’ll justify the 20 odd bucks this is priced at.

Spend your money on another month’s worth of Internet porn instead guys. I guarantee you’ll enjoy it more.

Well, there’s nothing bad to be said about the transfer. It’s clean, colours are bright and even and lines are clear. So clear in fact, we can constantly see the errors in the original filmstock. This goes deep too, right down to the faded or even erased linework on the cels. In case you didn’t know, gentle reader, cels were originally drawn on paper before being photocopied onto cel. I can’t be sure if this practice was common in 1969 (when these atrocities were first created) but the thing with copies is when you handle them, the black stuff can get worn. When they pass through lots and lots of hands in the painting process, they can get really worn. With the lines on one side, the paint goes on the reverse, so if the lines come off, the painted colours remain and make it obvious the linework has vanished. And this is the case in several parts of Scobby-Doo. There are also various other cel artefacts; scratches, grazes, fibres, specks, guano and various DNA memorabilia the CSIs would no doubt be able to recreate zombies from or something.

Dolby Digital mono. Woo. All clear, but for occasional faint audio hum. Otherwise, voices are annoying, sound effects are stupid and the added laugh track is the stupidest thing to ever be inserted into an animated TV series. What the hell? Do they seriously expect us to believe this was played to a studio audience and their reactions recorded? Where are the boos? Where are the manic screams of discontent? Where are the gunshots?

Oh, this is funny. A music video. Woo again. This is two folkish song guys singing what is no doubt the greatest (and only) song they've ever performed in which they put into verse the history and character description of everyone in the show. What a pair of dickheads. What’s worse, it took three guys to write it. Their mothers must be so proud.

This actually decreases the value of the disc (even with its two sides) and I suspect one or more of the forementioned mentally defective fans were on day release and managed to find a recording studio.

If I could give less than zero here, I would.

This travesty has gone on long enough. Stop the Scooby madness and let this show return to the grave it originally climbed out of. No more movies, no more stupid CG dogs and characterisations by today’s saddest teen actors and no more bloody DVD releases of this atrocious series.

I once knelt on a thumbtack and it stuck into the base of my patella. It was more fun than this.