Here’s a quick tip for filmmakers looking to make cheap sci-fi about alien spiders taking over the world in a parallel dimension.

Don’t.

Case in point: Webs.

Some electricians from the power company go into an abandoned building to shut down an illegal power source. They discover a mini-nuclear generator hooked up to some gizmos. They turn the nuke genny on, the machine starts and they are thrown into a parallel universe where Earth has been invaded by giant spiders which makes spider zombies out of humans.

Sounds absof*ckinglutely crap, doesn’t it?

It is. It is absof*ckinglutely crap.

Really absof*ckinglutely crap.

The giant alien spider Queen is $48 worth of CGI. The zombie aliens are stuntmen with spiky-fingered gloves on and rotten teeth. They ‘hiss’ at you. We are led to believe that the spider Queens were able to enslave and defeat most of the human race with their incredible power. The power of what, exactly? You want to tell me that a few tanks couldn’t have fixed them up? Shit, a few kids with rocks could have defended the Earth from this menace.

Kid 1: “Look out! Killer alien spiders are coming to get us!�
Kid 2: “F*ck ‘em. Pass me the can of Mortein.�
Kid 1: “Oh yeah, heh heh, f*cking stupid CGI spiders.�

Seriously friends, this film really sucks. It sucks the big one. It sucks it loudly, and with much mess. I used to watch Sliders a bit on telly on Friday nights a few years back, and many people have commented that this is like a long episode of Sliders.

I consider that an insult to Sliders.

Finally, to actor Richard Grieco, who is probably the only name you’ll recognise in the cast, all I can say is “You deserved to star in shit like this. I consider it revenge for the time my wife made me watch you in If Looks Could Kill. Do you feel my pain now?�

Arsehole.

More made for TV shit, this one for a cable sci-fi network in the U.S, shot on super 16 and shown here in its correct 1.78:1 (16:9 enhanced) ratio. The production value shows the $67.50 budget. The darker scenes early on have trouble with getting solid blacks and are full of noise and grain. Elsewhere it’s better, but colours tend to still be a little muted and dull, and detail is about par for a dodgy teleflick, sometimes dropping below that with poor focus.

The Dolby Digital 5.1 audio is nothing to rave about either, but sounds competent enough. There are only a few opportunities for it to strike out and redeem itself, but the effect is little more than lacklustre when it tries, even though it’s all loud and clear for what it’s worth. Which is nothing. It’s worth nothing. It’s not worth renting this. It’s not worth looking at the cover on the shelf at the rental store. It’s not worth reading this review. If you have to stoop to watching this DVD, then it’s likely that you’ve watched everything else in the store and should consider getting out and doing something else for a change. Go to a nice restaurant, play cricket, visit old people at a nursing home, read books to underprivileged kids. Anything other than watch this. One day you’ll be on your deathbed and you’ll look back at your life and recall the way you willingly used the little time you had on Earth by watching Webs. Imagine the disappointment you’ll feel when you realise it was 90 minutes you could have used to make a difference in the world, or 90 minutes in which you could have savoured the warm embrace of a loved one, or the tastes of indulgent foods, the wonders of a glorious sunrise and sunset. Instead you watched Webs, didn’t you?

You really disappoint me.

And I guess it goes without saying that I’m glad there isn’t a single bonus feature on this disc to extend my time spent with this title.