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  Directed by
    None Listed
  Starring
  Specs
  • Widescreen 1.78:1
  • 16:9 Enhanced
  Languages
  • English: Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround
  Subtitles
    English, English - Hearing Impaired
  Extras

    Lost & Found

    Warner Bros./Warner Home Video . R4 . COLOR . 95 mins . M15+ . PAL

      Feature
    Contract

    Just last week, Gavin T brought his family round to my place for our first Biennial Communism Celebration Weekend.

    After lunch and a few drinks, the women set to building a nice perpetual motion powered water feature shaped like Stalin on the roof and the kids played Pin the Moustache on the Disposed Dictator, while Gavin and I sat in the lounge discussing Fascism and its effects on modern car seat lumbar support.

    “Vince,” Gavin said, “I can see what you’re saying about Mussolini and his insistence on having all five lower vertebrae recognised as requiring sufficient support, rather than say, Attilio Teruzzi, who claimed it was only the traditional lower three vertebrae that really counted, but right now there’s a wasp on your shoulder.”

    Being afraid of all things small and evil (wasps, gnomes, John Howard and flying monkeys), I jumped up quick smart and aimed the hose from the beer keg at the wasp, letting loose a mighty stream of alcohol fueled death and destruction. After a good two minutes passed the little bastard was so drunk that it stung itself in the arse and fell to an undignified death in a bowl of tzatziki dip.

    In the aftermath, Gavin surveyed the newly soaked furniture and proceeded to suck the beer out of the cushions. “You know, you really should put glass in the window frames.” Gavin pleaded between mouthfuls of beer. “It’s just a thought. Might stop the wasps getting in the house all the time.”

    “Gavin, Gavin, Gavin,” I said, “That’s exactly what the devil would want us to do. Think about it.”

    “Fair point, I guess. Anyway, my family should get going. Shouldn’t you be reviewing that David Spade DVD this weekend instead of celebrating the Rise of Communism with my family?”

    “Gavin, Gavin, Gavin...”, I said disparagingly while walking over to the television, “Do you think I really want to review crap like Lost and Found on my big beautiful telly? Why do you think I invited you around this weekend? Because I like you? Ha! Perish the thought. You’re a tax deduction, my friend. And also, now that you’re here and I have my hidden cameras trained on you and your family, I can prove to Amy that I really was doing review related work this weekend, rather than having to lie to her that I was tending to my dead grandfather’s grave or something stupid like that.”

    Gavin had finished with the cushions and was trying to fish the wasp out of the dip. “But is Lost and Found really that bad?” He said. “I mean, it’s got David Spade, he’s funny, right? I’ve got every episode of Just Shoot Me taped on VHS. It’s a funny film, right? Right? You laughed...”

    “Gavin, Gavin, Gavi...”

    “Will you please stop saying that!” Gavin exclaimed.

    “Sorry Gav. What I was going to say is that David Spade is about as funny as having rectal surgery performed on you by a monkey wielding a blunt axe. He’s so laboured and predictable, his style so boring, smug and conceited. The only redeeming feature of this film is Sophie Marceau. She plays a hot French chick that Spade tries to woo by stealing her dog.”

    Gavin just stared at me blankly “Yeah, Sophie is one hot babe. Man, if my wife wasn’t up on your roof right now defying the laws of physics, I tell ya... hooo. But you’re kidding about the dog stealing bit, right? That’s what the film is about? That sounds so lame.”

    “No, Gavin. I tell no lie. It is so ‘by the numbers’ and unimaginative that I zoned out in record time. It doesn’t help that you start to hate Spade’s character so much that you actually begin to barrack for the evil ex-boyfriend who has come from France to try to woo her back again.”

    A look of resignation came over Gavin’s face. “Evil ex-boyfriend? Oh crap, man. They resorted to that ol’ chestnut? And let me guess, at the very last moment, just when he thinks he’s lost the girl for good because of his lies, the girl suddenly reappears and forgives him and they live happily ever after?”

    A sudden thought worried me. “Are oranges called oranges because of their orange colour, or some other reason?”

    Another more relevant thought worried me. “Gav, some readers might be pissed that you gave away the ending of the film. Shouldn’t I rewrite this part of my pretend discussion?”

    “Nah, screw ‘em, Vince. If they think we’ve ruined the film then they don’t deserve to have eyes to watch DVDs with.”

    “You’re right you know.” I said. “There are so many far better films out there, none of them featuring David Spade, that it’s hard to think of a reason why anyone would want to watch this film, even if Sophie is in it. In fact, this DVD is going out the window right now!”

    With that I took the disc from the DVD player and flung it out the window as hard as I could.

    Gavin looked impressed. “Nice throw. Good wrist action. You really got some spin happening there.”

    “Thanks Gavin. This has really turned out to be a great weekend”, I said with a satisfied grin.

    “Don’t forget you still have to write the review though”, Gavin chimed, instantly ruining my moment.

    “Shit.”

      Video
    Contract

    Luckily that’s not a word that applies to the picture quality. In the general wrap-up it comes up positive. General specs are: 1.78:1 framing, 16:9 enhancement, it fills a widescreen display, it’s one of those new fangled colour films and it looks clean as a whistle with barely a speck or fleck or hair or scratch or vomit stain on it (add your own). Detail is fairly reasonable, though easily a few notches down on the best examples on DVD. Nothing negative to pick up on, so this gets the all clear if you really want to see Spade walk about in a pair of boxers. The words ‘naked chicken’ come to mind.

      Audio
    Contract

    There’s this brilliantly surreal moment about 30 minutes in when David Spade looks directly at the camera and his head explodes in a technicolour shower of blood and gristle, the dynamic sound pouring forth from all corners of the room creating the sensation that the scene is occurring right inside your head... oh, hang on a second, it did happen inside my head. That was a bit of wishful thinking on my behalf. Unfortunately Spade’s head doesn’t explode in this film, but wouldn’t it look and sound great? I’m imagining it again right now. Mmm… dead! The DD5.1 is otherwise fine, if a bit very frontal due to the nature of story which doesn’t call for much effort. The score is forgettable, failing miserably to assist the moments of supposed comedy and whimsical mirth and could easily be the sort of generic pap whipped up for a tele-film or sitcom. If you’re simply concerned about catching every witty comment from Spade so you can use them at a later date on some unsuspecting fool, then you’ll be fine here as the track (348kbps) is all crystal clear.

      Extras
    Contract

    Count your blessings, this DVD is as basic as they come. Actually, they could have removed a couple of things to improve it, such as the static and bland Warner branded menu system and the whole film for a start. In fact, why not just ship empty cases to the stores? Because no one in their right mind is going to buy this DVD anyway.

      Overall  
    Contract

    Well, overall, in summation, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, when the cows come home to roost and the sun has lain down with the moon, all I can say is that I didn’t ask for this responsibility. It was thrust upon me like a cold metal dagger of subjugation, withering my nerve and testing my resolve. But I shall prevail. I shall overcome. I shall endure. Ultimately it is you who shall pay the price.

    On the other hand, Lost and Found is tripe and should be treated as such. At the very least the quality of the picture and sound is acceptable, however anyone hoping for a documentary, a behind the scenes exposé on his animal mating peccadillos or perhaps a discussion on the finer points of dognapping will sadly be disappointed by this film-only release.


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      And I quote...
    "David Spade is about as funny as having rectal surgery performed on you by a monkey wielding a blunt axe."
    - Vince Carrozza
      Review Equipment
    • DVD Player:
          Sony DVP-NS730P
    • TV:
          Philips 55PP8620
    • Receiver:
          Sony STR-DB1070
    • Speakers:
          Wharfedale s500
    • Centre Speaker:
          Polk Audio CS245
    • Surrounds:
          Wharfedale WH-2
    • Subwoofer:
          DB Dynamics TITAN
    • Audio Cables:
          Standard Optical
    • Video Cables:
          Standard Component RCA
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