Columbia Pictures/Sony Pictures Home Entertainment .
R4 . COLOR . 119 mins .
M15+ . PAL
Hi readers, this is Brendan, Gavin's ten year old nephew. We've all just finished watching the ‘Superbit’ release of the totally sick film xXx and Gavin’s just raced out to get a tattoo and a nipple ring. Auntie says it's just another mid-life crisis, and she's going to snap the disc in two. I reckon it's funny how old people with like totally boring jobs still think they're cool. When I leave school, no way am I going to work in an office or anything like that. I'm going to work in the local skate shop. The guys in there are totally sick - one even has his tongue pierced. I'm totally going to pierce mine too. Auntie says I should get a girlfriend before I think about doing that. I told her that I was currently going with Jenny Mackey from St Agatha, and besides I’d had tonnes of girlfriends. Auntie said that's not what she meant.
Anyway, as he raced out the door with his razor scooter, Gavin told me that I could either mow the lawn or write a review of the xXx DVD for DVDnet. The movie was totally sick, but he can't tell me what to do - he's not my dad! Auntie says Gavin stole the idea from Vince because he has no imagination, and for god's sake just piss off and write the thing. Her temples are throbbing again - I don't think she likes xXx much. I asked her if it's because she's not as hot as the chicks in the movie. She told me Jenny was a very lucky girl.
Vin never base model jumped...
OK, well I guess I could review the film. ‘Bout time someone younger than 50 wrote these things anyway (Editor's note: OI!!!). xXx is, like, the sickest movie out. It's got this guy called Xander Cage in it. He’s kinda like the cool guy from the skate shop, but heaps, heaps cooler. He's like totally buff and has heaps of tattoos and stuff. He doesn’t have his tongue pierced, but maybe that’s cause he ain't met the right girl yet. All this guy does all day is extremely cool stuff - base jumping, motocross riding, snowboarding. He’s ace. Heaps better than my dad or stupid uncle Gavin. He doesn't work in an office - he just lives in an old converted factory and has a skate ramp in his bedroom. After he steals a fancy car and like jumps it off the highest bridge in the world, this half-melted guy in a suit makes Xander become a secret agent. They give him like a way cool new jacket and send him to somewhere in Europe that has a lot of old buildings and that looks real grainy. He does some more cool stuff with some guys with funny accents, blows some stuff up, snowboards an avalanche and saves the world. That’s about it really. Auntie says he also beds some clueless pin cushions – whatever that means.
The blue light disco was a great place to score.
To be honest, I'm not quite sure what this 'Superbit' stuff is all about. I've watched the film tonnes of times now and there's like, heaps of super bits in it. Like the bit where Xander totally dumps on that geeky gadget guy. Right-on, geeks really suck yo! Auntie says hey - Gavin is a geek, and anyway I should talk about the DVD picture? OK, geez!
So the picture. Well, you know, it rocks. It like totally looks like you're in the cinema you know? Only without all the specks of grunge and the stupid granny and gramps behind you asking you to be quiet. I hate that. Oh, and there's none of those stupid jaggy lines like a video game neither. The picture's so nice you can like, totally see every little dent and stubble on Xander's shaved head. Oh, and when Xander uses the x-ray goggles you can like totally see a female agent's undies! Like I said before, the whole of Europe does seem to be a bit of a grainy place, but somehow it's always night there, and anyway what with all the communism and stuff over there, there's bound to be a lack of quality.
Come on Brosnan, let's see you do this!
Man, the sound on xXx is like totally sick. There's two soundtracks to choose from and Gavin made me listen to both. They both totally rattled the windows, and Auntie kept making us turn the movie down. What is it with chicks and loud noise? Anyway, I reckon the DTS one sounded better. When Xander and some other bald guys get shot at by dumb Columbians, you totally hear tonnes more bullets and shouting drug dudes in the background. I mean, right from the beginning, when Rammstein play Fire Frei through to like the very end, both of the soundtracks blast you from all directions. Gavin likes Rammstein. He made me sit through that opening bit a couple of times. But those guys sing so bad I can't even understand what they're saying. Why couldn't they use Blink 182 instead? The subwoofer is also totally sick in this movie. If Xander isn't in some thumping club then he's blowing shit up. During the bit with the avalanche I could totally feel it shitting my chest. Subwoofers are cool.
Auntie, this reviewing stuff is hard. Can I stop now? Where's Gavin anyway. What? Oh man! I'm never coming here again…
Extra features? How boring are they! I'd rather be out riding my skateboard. Who wants to hear Mr Boring talking about the stupid film he made? Everything you need to know is always on E! anyway. This 'Superbit' thing must be made for us kids because they've taken all the boring extras away.
xXx is like the sickest movie I've ever seen. If you haven’t seen it, then you’re like probably too old to appreciate it anyway ‘cause it’s full of sick extreme-sports stuff that only us kids understand. I recommend it to all my friends, and any other kids out there ten and under. But you’ll have to find yourself an irresponsible relative (who still thinks he's cool) to let you watch it.