The X-Files Season 7 Box Set

As far as classics go, The X-Files is certainly up there as being amongst the most popular shows of all time. What’s its secret? That’s just it. Secrets. Conspiracies and whispered conversations in back alleys. Sightings of the bizarre, the different, the weird. Those fiendish noises that are harmless during daylight but become all manner of nasties by night. And they transpose themselves into our reality just the teensiest bit. Unnervingly, strange things happened around DVDnet whenever I played an episode of this six-disc set from Season 7. Behold, gentle reader, as I take you through a strange series of events and allow you to make up your own mind...

9th December, 2003
DVDnet office headquarters
Package full of DVDs arrives on my desk containing this very set of discs. However, it sits there untouched most of the day because I was strangely sick that day…

12th December, 2003
DVDnet office headquarters
The X-Files Season 7 Box Set remains untouched on my desk for the next two days because I leave for the weekend.

19th December, 2003
DVDnet office headquarters
During the DVDnet office Christmas party I use this set as an excuse to get the photocopy chick into my office. She politely refuses and doesn’t talk to me for the rest of the evening... or since! Coincidence? I think not.

31st December, 2003
DVDnet office headquarters
Realising I haven’t yet watched the entire series, I try to cram some more in but I’m too late… the date oddly changes to January 1st, 2004! But it doesn’t stop there for this day... read on, if you dare.

1st January, 2004
DVDnet office headquarters
Nobody shows up for work except me! I am alone in the offices, plagued by some sort of odd illness that goes away by the very next day!

2nd January, 2004
DVDnet office headquarters
No-one in the office believes I came to work alone the day before, nor do they believe in the soul-destroying virus I had that has since mysteriously disappeared!

8th January, 2004
DVDnet office headquarters
I finally finish watching the entire series and there is a 15 second blackout. Upon the return of electricity, all computers in the office inexplicably start by themselves!

13th January, 2004
DVDnet office headquarters
After picking up some lunch outside the building, I ‘accidentally’ bump into a cigarette-smoking man who promptly apologises before disappearing into the crowd. I never see him again.

So, make of these events what you will. Perhaps in this strangely complex universe where mathematics can explain everything we see except why there is mathematics to begin with, sinister forces are at work and using these discs as tools. Travelling through these discs and arriving inadvertently in your home; the home where you live, they are slowly assimilating life as we know it to their disgusting ends. Or, and this is the strange part, these discs hold nothing but Season 7 of a popular TV series...

Though I can’t help but think that somewhere among the vastness of space, an alien culture watches and waits. Ever patiently, they await our television signals, which travel closely to the speed of light, so they can see how this series finally ends. They don’t know yet; can’t know, that this show has even started yet because they’re still watching episodes of I Love Lucy that have just arrived. They still think we’re all wife-beaters and live in black and white, but this is just the beginning. Soon they will receive us in colour, and thinking we’ve evolved as a race from monochrome into colour, they will send us a message from the stars warning us of the dangers of watching too much television.

Perhaps that’s just what I want to believe… but perhaps not.

If you think all that stuff was odd, wait until you read this. Some compression issues occasionally dog the visuals here, but only regarding blacks and browns. Sometimes, there is even a faint graininess, not unlike an alien message hidden in static. The picture quality is excellent for a television series with excellent colour saturation. (Two ‘excellent’s in one sentence? Another coincidence).

Flesh tones are natural, almost perfectly forged by aliens to fit in amongst us and walk the streets as normal people. Shadow detail, however, fluctuates between average and better than average. Just what they want. Blacks, finally, vary between black and brown at times.

Television shows usually cater for home television sets that the average person has in their own home. This means a stereo mix, and usually from Dolby. What a surprise then, that this has catered perfectly to this ideal. Sound effects are uniquely comical or suitable, depending upon what the story requires. It’s too perfect isn’t it? Like a semblance of life so caricatured as to be imperfect. The music by werewolf Mark Snow is also very nice and suitably creepy, comedic, eerie or whatever whenever required. Very nicely scored indeed. A little too nice...

David Duchovny, a baby born with two heads, muffles his speech a bit at times. This is to cover the fact that he once had two mouths. A person with two mouths would obviously speak better than any of us humans who have but one, so he covers his abnormality by mumbling a little bit. It’s just too much makeup David. We can see you.

Trying to sweeten us up so we’re more easily subdued. What a shock. Oh well, let’s at least humour them and see what we have here...

There is a subheading that holds some Season 7 Special Features which then in turn has five categories (no doubt trying to baffle us with numbers to appear superior).

A documentary appears to give us The Truth About Season 7. This is a piece running for 19:59 (just under 20 minutes? Another coincidence?) and features a quick grab telling the main thrust behind each episode. Soundbite interviews with relevant cast or crew are also included.

X-Files Profiles are two short featurettes about A.D.Skinner and Samantha Mulder. Both of these are around five to six minutes long and worth a look for any info they may not have already microwaved into your brain.

Promo Spots are the :10 and :20 second ads for each episode, so number 44 all up. Harmless... or are they?

Special Effects Shots are a bunch of 13 (need I say anything about the number 13?) varied lengths of narrated descriptions of how they pulled off some of those nicer creepy shots and is very informative and well worth a look.

Finally, the confusing deleted scenes which feature an optional commentary from creator Chris Carter. These feature black and white context surrounding each.

International Clips from episode Requiem come next and are interesting in that the languages aren’t featured among the language selections for this series, so mildly interesting but overall worthless. At least, that’s what they want us to think...

These are followed by two deleted scenes from Requiem in colour without context. That adds to the confusion I mentioned regarding the other deleted scenes. Poltergeists at work, without question.

There is an audio commentary by Vince Gilligan (producer) for the episode Je Souhaite which can be found among the two on this last disc. It’s interesting, of course, but I suspect the real Gilligan has been replaced by a sophisticated robot from the future. He’s on an island somewhere, no doubt shipwrecked by pirates of the Marie Celeste or something...

Chris Carter can also be found doing an audio commentary on Disc Four for the episode First Person Shooter while on Disc Five Gillian Anderson speaks plaintively about her written and directed episode All Things. They’re spreading like a flesh-eating virus or something…

And last and the least, the cast credits. Five worthless text pages from episodes Je Souhaite and Requiem on this disc, but others like it appear all over the discs. It’s an invasion.

Some good, some bad. A conspiracy of global proportions? Quite possibly.

Fileophiles, as they have become known, will no doubt already have this set because it’s been out for ages. Sound familiar? Of course it does. That’s because the first six seasons of this series have also been out for ages. And, surprise, surprise, these same people probably have those sets too.

I’m fearing for my life now, after relaying so much information about this conspiracy, but the world must know. They can silence me, oh yes, but they can’t silence the truth. The truth is out there™!

Many people thought I’d come along and do what they told me to do; write a nice review with an episode guide and explain some of the flaws and excellence of this series. But there’s just too much. The sleeping population must be warned and I’m the only one with the knowledge to do it. I’ve been running across country for weeks now, but they’re going to find me sooner or later. I should probably stop using my real name on all the hotels or something, but it doesn’t matter. Take the message to the people! Fight the fu
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