Have you been abused? Have you been abandoned? Are you a sailor? If you answered “YES!� to all of these questions, then you may be eligible for a special Hollywood ‘Depressing Life Story Grant’! That’s right, all you have to do is put your life down on paper, and Hollywood could be knocking on your door tomorrow!

We have high profile actors and directors just waiting to jump onboard your tale of woe and hardship, so start writing and don’t stop until you’ve used up every last cliché in the book. We want to hear how you “climbed your way out of the gutters�, how you “were beaten and bruised, but you’re still standing�, how you “found the one person who made me feel whole again� and how you “went on to a successful career as a forklift driver for a major national shopping chain�!

Hi, I’m Antwone Fisher. I was abandoned by my mother, my father died before I was born, I grew up with an abusive foster mother, I lost my best friend, lived on the streets and joined the navy. My violent tendencies got me in a lot of trouble and forced me to re-evaluate my life. That’s why I wrote my life story, and now Hollywood has turned my life into a film directed by and co-starring Denzel Washington! Thanks to Hollywood I can now afford to see a psychiatrist for the rest of my life!�

Yes, if you’ve spent time with an abusive foster mother, if you’ve spent a night on the streets shivering in fear, if you’ve done something really really stupid like join the navy, we want your story NOW! No perverted act is too low or degrading, no act of defiant violence is too defiantly violent, no staring at a beautiful girl you can’t talk to is too sleazy and creepy!

Can’t read, can’t write, can’t speak? NO PROBLEMS! We have a team of screenwriters standing by RIGHT NOW to turn your teary mumbling and illegible regressive scratchings into a bona-fide by the numbers Hollywood Blockbuster. And just waiting to get started on their next success story is a virtual cornucopia of Hollywood’s finest actors, writers, directors, best boys and gaffers! You need the money, they need the work!

Just think, your very own story of a life spent searching for the family you never knew, of a quest to find your identity, of a determination to rise up above the generic issues people face everyday could be the very next hit directed by Denzel Washington, acted by Denzel Washington, and possibly even receiving an Academy Award accepted by Denzel Washington! So why hold on to those repressed emotions, feelings of abandonment and violent tendencies any longer? Start writing NOW!

This is an often depressing film that can cover some dark matter, and the picture is just as often ensconced in warmer hues and darker tones with plenty of cosy and maybe not so cosy shadows filling the 2.35:1, 16:9 enhanced frame. The print isn’t totally speck-free, with the odd bit popping up here and there, but few and minor enough that smaller displays and more casual viewing won’t bring them to the fore. The picture is a few tiny notches off what you’d call sharp, but the slightly soft look to the detail is just as pleasing and inviting to watch.

The audio, a single English 348kbps Dolby Digital 5.1 mix with a lone English subtitle stream, is simple as befits the subject matter, so don’t expect multi-channel exploding heads and gunfire, although there is some nice simple ambient detail. The centre channel, which does the majority of the work, is solid and workman like, but I found it to be a little low, requiring a bump of the volume a notch higher than typical.

This is a rental DVD release, and doesn’t carry any bonus material whatsoever.