The Master of Disguise

Long ago Steve K, DVDnet's illustrious founder and Chief Souvlaki Technician, sent me an email which had a production picture attached of Carvey in one of his various guises in this film along with the text "Check this picture out, this film is gonna be a pisser!" Being wise beyond my years, and serving as a mentor to the younger and grossly immature Steve, I replied "You need your frigging head checked, mate."

Carvey disguised as cow shit - how appropriate.

Now, more than a year later, how right it turns out my words were (like there was ever any doubt, eh?). Master of Disguise is a slipshod and flimsy mess of a film that rests far too heavily on the anaemic comic abilities of Carvey and has only three things to recommend it: a fart joke, great impressions of Al Pacino (Scarface) and Robert Shaw (Jaws) - plus the fact that it ends rather quickly.

This is the exact moment you realise Carvey is washed up.

Dana Carvey (Wayne's World and er, not much else really) is the ridiculously monikered Pistachio Disguisey. Hahaha... that's supposed to be funny, right? I mean, the name, Pistachio Disguisey, that's a joke yeah? Because we wogs always give our kids strange ethnic sounding names like Pistachio, Capriciossa or Frank. So, this Pistachio is the latest in a long family line of Disguiseys, who are Masters of Disguise.

"Give me back my dignity, you bastard!"

Anyway, to cut a long and bad review short, his dad is kidnapped by Brent Spiner, Pistachio is taught how to become a Master of Disguise by his grandfather and sets out to save his father. Yada yada yada, badabing badabang, everyone dies in the end of syphilis and the bad guy wins for a change. Except that's a lie. Naturally the good guys win and the bad guy farts a lot. Yep, that's really the truth. The truth hurts, doesn't it? Would it make any difference what I said here? Hello? Is anyone reading this? What? You saw the title of this review and moved on to read a review of wrestling DVDs instead? Can't say I blame you.

But, I have a duty to perform here, and come hell or high water, nothing will stop me getting through this review... LOOK! A dog with a puffy tail! No! MUST... REVIEW... DVD... MUST... RESIST... TEMPATATION!... TO KILL MYSELF! THERE! IS! NO! SPOON!

Speaking of spoons, the only difference between Master of Disguise and The Matrix Reloaded is about 100 million dollars worth of CGI. What's that got to do with anything? Nothing, but then Master of Disguise has nothing to do with comedy, either. But that didn’t stop them.

So, in short, I urge you to vote for me in the next election. I promise to uphold all that is good and decent in whatever it is I stand for, and if voted into office I shall without haste make good on my promise to wipe out all the llamas and/or Hollywood executives I can find. With your help, I can make a difference. I shall make Hollywood pay for the crap they've been pouring down our gullets, and when they're looking for volunteers to man the firing squad I for one shall be the first person with his hand in the air. I'll even supply the bullets. Viva la revolution!

I didn’t think the picture looked too great at all to be honest. They admit it was a low budget film, and in some way it must have rubbed off on the look and the picture, because it lacks the finer detail and clarity which lets other films shine. This looks like it was shot using some kind of silly filter to make whites ‘glow’ for want of a better description, and the reds aren’t the best either, with a bit of an oversaturated look verging on bleeding. I think they went a little hard on the compression at times as well, particularly noticeable in chapter 19 when Tony Montana is dancing on a stage in front of gold streamers. Breakup on the face of the dancers is very clear at this point and a few others. At least it’s colourful, even if it can be too bloody colourful, and as much as they thought that it doesn’t look too cartoony in the Disguisey universe, they’re wrong. It looks garish and cartoony and then, surprise surprise, the world of the badguy is all coolish and blue. Wow, that’s really unique…

This is good enough I guess, and the film really needs all the help it can get, but it’s not so good that the sound quality saves the film. Oh no, not even close. I suppose it just sounds like, um, I don't know, like not total shit, I guess. I don't know, what do you want me to say about a lame arse film like this? "The sound exhibits qualities reflective of a determination to emulate Gary Rydstrom geared towards slapstick comedy with aural undertones of a Marx film. The upper harmonics excel in recreating an environment which insinuates aural bliss." Well it doesn't, okay? It’s clear, it uses all the speakers, it doesn’t hurt my ears or annoy me too much, it just walks in the room, does the job it’s supposed to, and then quietly leaves again without drawing too much attention to itself or making a mess in the toilet.

Oh, there is something soooo wrong in DVD world when you see what kind of trouble they go to for a dogmeat film like this, yet some brill films get diddly attention. I mean, seriously, did we need or want an audio commentary from the director (I use that term loosely) and Carvey? Do you really want to listen to it? After the film, I didn't want to have to sit through a full comm, but I'm happy to do it if it means saving the sanity and time of just one loyal reader. My assessment is: go walk your dog instead. If you don't have a dog, go buy one. Go now, I'll wait...

...you're back? Good. I see you bought a Pomeranian. What the hell kind of dog is that to buy? Might as well have bought yourself a rat. Anyway, let's move on. Next, there are three Featurettes; The Magic of Disguise (5:25), Identity Crisis (12:18) and Man of a Thousand Faces (8:36). Watch them if you must, but be warned, you will not walk away enlightened in any way, shape or form. All three together cover most of the film/production/makeup/actors in a big happy stroke-fest, and every one is happy and proud; and good on them, the bunch of silly tossers. The best you can expect is to lose another 26 minutes that you'll never have again. Am I being harsh? Perhaps, but then I'm not paid to wear a frilly tutu and hold your hand when you get scared, am I? Heck, I'm not paid at all, now that I think about it. What kind of crummy job is this? Good thing I do such a lousy job then, eh?

So, continuing on before I’m sacked from my position, there’s also six Alternate/Deleted Scenes to look at, with nothing really as good or bad as anything left in the film, but worst of all is the completely unbearable intros by Carvey doing his shitty Turtleman act. This really gets on your nerves, because it’s such a bad character and makes you want to skip the scenes all together. Then there are three Trailers for Master of Disguise, Kermit’s Swamp Years and Little Secrets, and finally what would this DVD be without a music video from some marketable young tartlets with no future called PLAY and featuring someone else called “Lil Fizz� from B2K. I hope that all means something to you, because I’ll be damned if it does to me. “Lil Fizz�, PLAY and B2K? Give me a break! Whatever happened to T-Rex, Mott the Hoople and Psychedelic Furs? They’d run rings around these little talentless moppets. Well, maybe not literally run, seeing as a few of them are pretty dead. But you catch my drift.

For lovers of Easter Eggs, visit our Easter Egg Department on the fifth floor for info on accessing the Egg on this DVD.

Overall, hmm, if you’re very easily amused by things not very funny at all, maybe this is your thing, but don’t expect a satisfying night out of it. You’ll have to follow it up with something else much funnier (which basically means any other film out there) to tell you’ve had a good night and didn’t just waste more money on something you’ll never watch again. If you want to please the kids, maybe give this a go, but then again, who cares about the kids? They don’t pay my bills, clean the kitchen or cook the meals, the lazy little buggers. Let them pay for their own DVDs, the bleeding little parasites. Lock them in their room and tell them to have a good long think about what they’ve done wrong instead.

But I’m getting off track here, again, and the film (and yes geekboy, the DVD too) is what we’re all here for. And my verdict is: don’t bother.