In a novel twist for an action film, rather than having some big, buff, high-kickin’, quick shootin’ meathead with a heart as the hero, The Transporter offers up something altogether different – in the style of Thomas the Tank Engine the star is a truck. Oh, alright – that’s complete bullshit.

The Transporter is simply a good, old-fashioned yet still kind of modern Big Dumb Action Film which follows all the rules of the genre. Let’s see what we’ve got here, shall we?

(a) A loner, ex-army hero with all the prerequisites listed above? Check.

(b) A super-snazzy BMW full of so many gadgets it seems that 007’s Q just may have been moonlighting? Check.

(c) Enough totally over the top car chases to make the guys behind The Italian Job blush? Check.

(d) A snide, slimy, instantly hateable big bad hell-bent on removing any semblance of breath from our hero? Check.

(e) A mysterious girl who melts our hero’s heart, despite his rock-hard, stoic outer façade? Check.

(f) More nameless subservient bad guys than a get-together of all the world’s major business heads? Check.

(g) More kicking, punching, shooting and general mushin’ and smushin’ than every Jackie Chan film ever combined? Check.

(h) More massive things-go-boom-now explosions than a science lab full of chimps? Check.

(i) More armament than the Middle East? Check.

(j) A cop who’s sympathetic to our big lug of a hero, helping him out whenever he can? Check.

(k) Just enough of a “plot� for all the above to gel? Check.

(l) Acting exhibiting more ham than Porky Pig’s entire gene pool? Check.

Need more be said? Well, OK… Our hero, (a), is Frank (Jason Statham), after whose chosen profession the film is named. Basically he does deliveries for dubious types – be they getaways, briefcases or bags that have a habit of wiggling about in the boot of his (b). To get an idea of how good Frank is at his gig, things start with a totally kick-arse (c), which bears absolutely no relevance to the story, although we do get to learn his rules – a deal’s a deal, no names, and never open the package.

It’s after his next delivery that (d) comes into the picture, with (e) popping up along the way. Yes, Frank broke his third rule, and now he has to contend with (f), (g), (h) and (i) in various shapes and forms for the remaining, ooh, 75 minutes of the film so as to neatly wrap up (k) - something about people smugglers – with more than a little help from (j). Oh, and there’s plenty of (l) from all and sundry along the way, of course.

Predictable it may be, and perhaps we’ve seen it all before too, but there’s no real way to reinvent the BDAF genre – other than making them bigger and boomier every time until critical mass is eventually reached and they revert to Bambi-like storylines. Many will recognise the name of one of the screenplay co-conspirators in Luc Besson, and he doesn’t let action fans down here. Due to the (l) factor there’s little to report in the way of the acting – although Jason Statham does have a sort of Anthony Hopkins meets Bruce Willis thing going on, although it’s questionable whether he’s even as good an actor as the latter. Still, in the end, who cares? If you’re into this renting a movie caper for the acting then you wouldn’t go near this with a fifty-foot silencer anyway, but if you like to turn off the old cerebellum and go on the occasional silly, explosion-riddled ride then The Transporter is just the ticket.

Beautifully draped across the screen in a ratio of 2.35:1, this 16:9-enhanced transfer is quite exceptional – especially when you consider it’s squished on to a single layer. Still, with a total running time of 88 minutes that’s hardly pushing the envelope of the format. Suffice to say the print is squeaky clean, colours burst to life colourfully, blacks are spot-on, shadow detail is exemplary and the only thing that may bug some people is the very occasional spot of aliasing. In all things bodes well for the eventual retail release.

Any BDAF worth its salt also has another prerequisite on top of those listed above – it has to sound HUGE. The Transporter well and truly delivers (heehee) via a Dolby Digital 5.1 mix which fiercely pumps out the modern soundtrack and flings all manner of detritus around the heads of viewers with much abandon, while the subwoofwoof gets to go feral with the relentless explosions, gunfire and sundry other smacks and punches strewn throughout. Synch is fine, and the only possible problem some may have is in understanding the very French Francois Berleand (j), in which case the English subtitles supplied can be rather handy.

This disc is so rental-only it’s scary, with one of those hideous generic Fox menus which doesn’t even bother mentioning what the film is called. As such there’s nada in the way of bonus goodies, if indeed that needed mentioning at all.

Despite its occasional dramatic pretensions, The Transporter is so big and dumb you’ll be wiping drool from your DVD player for months to come. For a BDAF that’s high praise indeed!