Speed 2 - Cruise Control

Hey gang, thanks for showing up for DVD.net's Turkey Baste! Boy, do we have a treat for you today! Fox has a great recipe for an expensive summer flop:

Take your ingredients: grating and annoying Heroine (Sandra Bullock), insipid Hero (Jason Patric), the Obligatory Talking Villain (Willem DaFoe) and add the usual mainstream Hollywood suspects, Comic Relief Guy, Token Black Guy, Anxious Mother, Child in Peril, and don't forget Benji, the Invulnerable Dog! Stretch out every tedious scene until the film drags itself along like a lame animal. With scurvy.

For seasoning, add a hack director (Jan de Bont, who could forge a lucrative career as a dog breeder after this howler), a brainless plot (hey, let's cut through this door with the SHIP CHAINSAW!), tiresome dialogue, dodgy CGI and model work and awful Michael Bay-esque camera shaking (oooooh, it's ACTION! The CAMERA'S SHAKING!) and you've got one of the worst big-budget films I've ever seen. In my opinion, its awfulness is only, marginally, exceeded by Con Air (for wasting the potential of a wonderful cast with a woeful script) and Independence Day (simply for being Independence Day).

Fortunately, dear readers, I was able to avoid permanent brain damage during the review by covering my ears and chanting, 'LA LA LA', and I can only hope this warning saves others. Forget about getting a description of the plot - trust me, you don't want to waste your time.

Of course, Speed 2 follows Paul's Inverse Atrocity Law, which states that the more mindnumbing the film, the better the transfer. Fox have delivered a very good transfer, with excellent shadow detail and contrast, and virtually no film noise whatsoever. Colour seems slightly unnatural overall, but it's true to the original photography. It is quite apparent that most of the film was shot during overcast conditions and the cinematographer was likely trying to make the film look more 'summery'. Sadly, most scenes still look rather bland.

I didn't notice any MPEG artifacting, but I couldn't possibly miss the layer change, which is one of the most distracting I've seen on DVD so far. My Pioneer 103s has a fast layer change, so those with older players will have quite a jarring experience. Nice one, Fox.

Very, very good. This film rated a 7 on the Housemate Annoyance chart. Smooth, clear dialogue, good use of the surrounds to deliver an enveloping soundfield, a well-recorded score, big (and I mean system-damaging BIG) bass.. what more could you ask for?

Oh yeah, that's right. To care.

Fox, interactive menus and scene access are NOT extra features! If you're planning to charge more than every other studio in Australia, you'd better have a damn good reason, and a crummy full-screen Pro-Logic trailer just ain't cutting it.

Fox, next time you have a spare $110 million, use it to house the homeless or fund cancer research. Don't waste it on doggerel like this.

Avoid at all costs.