Do you know that feeling you get when you slip a movie in the ol’ DVD player, flop on the couch, and the first “starring� credit is for some guy that used to be in a cheesy, sleazy, soap opera? Well, that’s exactly what I felt as I began watching this tele-movie (complete with commercial break blackouts). The apprehension is only compounded when the film leaps right into the action, and you get those awful subtitles telling you what city, vessel, or building you are looking at. You know the stuff, where letters appear one at a time across the bottom of the screen as if someone was sitting there typing. Not to worry, the rest might get better. It didn’t.

Thomas Kellogg (Rob Melrose Place Estes) is a bit of a nut, a thrill seeker, and an all-American boy (gag!). He is an ex-Navy/Marine dude with big muscles, plenty of ‘guts’, and has served his country well. You know the type. Kellogg is currently in charge of security for an important meeting between east and west. His older brother is a secret service agent trained to mind the USA’s female president, Eleanor Shaw (Carmen Duncan), who is in diplomatic talks with President Woo of China. They are scheduled to meet on the QE2, and security is tight, unlike the script. Their third brother’s death remains a constant source of tension between them.

A plot to steal China’s nuclear weapon launch codes is uncovered and the race is on to prevent terrorists from gaining access to some destructive weaponry and then holding the world to ransom. The Kellogg brothers are right in the thick of the action when the terrorists take control of the QE2, threatening to blow up the ship and kill the two presidents unless their demands are met. Naturally, the only way the Americans know how to deal with the situation is to throw GI Joe at them, blow some things up, shoot as many guys wearing black as they can and hope that in the confusion they can at least claim a draw. This idea has been done before, and better, and there is little in the way of drama or tension that is believable or even interesting.

There are some Chinese and American baddies who are dreadful actors and are simply not threatening. The head terrorist reminds me of somebody from Get Smart. I am not sure where they found her - serving lunch down at the local Chinese restaurant maybe - but it sure wasn’t at any performing arts academy. The numerous action sequences are filmed on a budget and it shows. There is a lame explosion or two, a pretty naff car chase, a few mildly interesting martial arts one-on-ones, and lots of Navy Seals running around with big guns. Oh, there are a couple of submarines chuggin’ around below the surface as well, but it’s pretty hard to care.

The biggest problem for the film is one of budget. It was filmed at Warner’s Gold Coast studios, and it shows. It reminds me of an episode of The A-Team with its flimsy plot, crap acting, and awful, awful, incidental music that's just way too dramatic. You do, however, get not one but two ticking bomb countdowns, the kind with LED clocks heading down to zero. Now there’s a thing. If a bomb has been hidden so no one can find it and disarm it before it blows the living shit outta stuff, why the hell do you need a time counter on it?

Anyway, do yourself a favour and don’t bother with Attack on the Queen. There are a number of films on the cheap weekly rental shelves that do this better, and most of them have Steven Seagal in them. That should tell you something...

As is typical of these lack-lustre, nay bad, films, this is quite a nice transfer. It is in an aspect ratio of 1.78:1 and 16:9 enhanced. The image is pretty sharp with good definition and clarity. Colours are great and very natural, as are skin tones. There are no problems at all with colour bleeding or noise, and black levels are solid. Shadow detail is very good, and only some of the poor CGI effects let down what is an otherwise nice image, but of course that is not a fault of the transfer process.

There is no evidence of grain, edge enhancement or shimmer, and there are no marks or specks to contend with either. There is no layer change on this single-sided, single layer disc.

As with most Dolby Digital audio tracks these days, this one is neither of reference quality nor is it problematic. The basics such as audio clarity and synchronisation are fine, although things are a little on the quiet side. There is a relatively dynamic sound range and the explosions and guns sound fine enough, though would have benefited from a 5.1 mix.

There is some noticeable separation and even some panning that sounds a little unnatural at times. Low-level sounds are fine without being aggressive, but as there is no signal to the subwoofer, they lack that ‘whoomp’ that many have come to love and expect.

The only extra is PlayTrailer, which is an action packed, full frame effort in Dolby Digital stereo lasting 1:25.

Attack on the Queen is sort of like watching a movie-length episode of Jag or MacGyver. The plot is a little thin, the acting varies from good to amateur theatre and the whole thing seems to speed along like everyone had something better to do. There are too many standard tension/drama tools employed such as ticking bombs and guys with big guns creeping around engine rooms. With so many decent titles being released week in, week out, you can live without seeing this one.