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  Directed by
  Starring
  Specs
  • Widescreen 2.35:1
  • 16:9 Enhanced
  Languages
  • English: Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround
  Subtitles
    English
  Extras
  • Theatrical trailer

Texas Rangers (Rental)

Roadshow Entertainment/Roadshow Entertainment . R4 . COLOR . 86 mins . M15+ . PAL

  Feature
Contract

This is the the story of the forming of the Texas Rangers in order to fight off a marauding band of bandits terrorising the countryside in old west days. The bad guys, led by Alfred Molina, rape horses, pillage women and prune hedges, so a bunch of young guys angry at the treatment of their greenery get together with Dylan McDermott and form the Rangers and ride into history, as they say. In short, it's a cowboy movie.

After watching this DVD, I had some questions. Namely, what’s with all the bottles? See, every time someone had to work on their gunmanship they would shoot at bottles. Now think about this, because the good guys numbered about 30-odd. They trained a few times by shooting bottles on crates. My question is: where did all the bottles come from?

Let’s say they have three training sessions, with three passes each, and each pass consisting of them shooting at four bottles. Assuming 100% accuracy for the sake of my mathematical deficiencies, that’s three sessions x three passes x 30 Rangers x four bottles. That adds up to ...er...a hell of a lot of bottles. Where did they come from? Did they carry a supply around with them just in case they felt like sharpening their shooting skills? Was one person in charge of the bottles? When they had a night on the town, did someone always have to miss out because he had to guard the bottles in case someone broke them before they got shot? Was shooting bottles a recognised training method back in the wild west days?

Also, the bottles never had labels. This could only have meant two things: either the bottles were full of some liquid which was drunk by the Rangers, then they went to all the trouble of washing the bottles and removing the labels and were completely blotto when they trained, or the bottles were designed to be sold empty and ready for shooting, in which case who made the bottles and was empty “target bottle”-making a lucrative business back then?

These are the burning questions that went through my mind during this film. I make no apologies for this, it’s how my mind chooses to work sometimes. While we ponder these things, let us take a quick look at the stars of this bottling industry propaganda masquerading as entertainment.

You’ll notice some familiar faces throughout the film. There’s Ashton Kutcher (Dude, Where’s My Car?), James Van Der Beek (Dude, Where’s Dawson’s Creek?), Dylan McDermott (Dude, Where’s My Career?), Usher Raymond (Dude, Don’t Call Me Dude, You Honky Mofo), Tom Skerritt (Dude, I Was In Contact) and Robert Patrick (Dude, Big Deal, I Was A T-1000).

They all do an average job, with no real standouts, but the big problem is that with so many people and so little plot (bandits are tearing up Texas so they get together a bunch of official Rangers to stop them – that’s it) that no-one really gets a chance to shine. I don’t think any of the cast had a problem with this because they no doubt just wanted to run around as cowboys and play with guns.

Still, as far as simple action films go, it’s not too bad for a quick watch before a main feature. Sure, it’s no Tombstone, which it looks as if it’s trying to emulate in its MTV “coolness”, but you’ll get a small kick out of it anyway.

  Video
Contract

A great picture – that’s about the sum total of what you need to know. The 2.35:1 framing creates some very pretty landscapes as is to be expected. The colours are often stunning in their reproduction, with some night scenes making you want to sleep in the backyard under the stars, and the lush fertile land looking mighty green and lush and fertile. It’s also mighty clear and clean, and ...well, it’s bloody good, okay?

  Audio
Contract

This DVD is saddled with a Dolby Digital 5.1 audio track running at 448kbps, and the result here is as satisfying as the picture. Guns go “BANG!”, horses go “GALLOPGALLOPGALLOP!” and actors go “REACH FOR THE SKY, VARMINT!” all in crystal clear surround sound with plenty of opportunity for your speakers to flex their muscles. What little of actual useful dialogue there is remains clearly understandable, but it’s when the action starts and the dialogue takes a back seat that the clarity still comes clean and clear and never muddies up.

  Extras
Contract

It’s a rental, so there being just a trailer won’t surprise you, will it? It’s not a very good trailer, either. Pannned and scanned, with dodgy audio, it makes it pretty clear that this film was targeting the MTV mob. But even young dickheads with too much disposable income deserve better quality than this dreck of a trailer.

  Overall  
Contract

This movie is fine, it's easily watchable, mildly enjoyable, not too taxing on the old brain cells and probably goes well with beer and corn chips.

Although the DVD is a renter only, which is a downer, the quality of the picture and sound is great, which is an upper.

Overall, Texas Rangers gets two hoofs up.


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      And I quote...
    "...two hoofs up."
    - Vince Carrozza
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    • DVD Player:
          Sony DVP-525
    • TV:
          Sony 68cm
    • Receiver:
          Sony STR-DB1070
    • Speakers:
          Wharfedale s500
    • Centre Speaker:
          Polk Audio CS245
    • Surrounds:
          Wharfedale WH-2
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    • Audio Cables:
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    • Video Cables:
          standard s-video
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