There's No Business Like Show Business

This isn’t the most recognisable Marilyn Monroe film ever made. In it, she only has third billing, behind Ethel Merman and Donald O’Connor, and just in front of some other people I can’t remember and couldn’t care less about.

It’s the typical overblown, over-melodramatic, over-indulgent, over-cooked Hollywood musical from the hands of Mr. Irving “How about another song here?� Berlin and Darryl F. “Sure, we only have 12 songs so far� Zanuck.

The reason for this songfest is the all singing, all dancing Donahues. Mom and pop Donahue are old school vaudeville stage pros, having hoofed and bellowed for years, thinking they were pretty hot shit.

Is Mrs. Donahue played by Marilyn, you ask? No, she isn’t.

Along with the ups and downs of their career come three kids, who naturally fall into the profession, creating a family act that preceded the Partridge Family by a good 60 years.

Is one of the kids played by Marilyn, you ask? No she isn’t.

So, we follow the family as they go through their act, as one goes off to be a priest, as another becomes a drunk and as the rest just keep hoofing away like fools.

Eventually, a new act appears on the horizon, in the shape of a lovely curvy lass who wants nothing more than to be a big song and dance stage star.

Is she played by Marilyn, you ask? No, she’s played by Lee Van Cleef in drag. What do you think? Of course she’s played by Marilyn!

Storywise, the family grows up, they sing some songs. Marilyn claws her way to the top, she sings some songs, they fall on hard times, they sing, things go well, they sing, something bad happens, they sing, it has a happy ending, they sing some more. Sometimes they even follow up a song with some more singing.

Needless to say, if you don’t like singing in your films, then this isn’t the DVD for you. Instead, might I suggest you try Any Given Sunday? They only sing one song in that, but it’s a rap, so it doesn’t count as real music. And it does have Al Pacino in it. But he isn’t as good looking as Marilyn Monroe, so make up your own mind.

Song and dance, or Al Pacino, Marilyn and Al in a movie together would have been great.

Marilyn: Oh, I’m so lucky to have met you on this cruise. This is a dream for little old me. Just wait till I tell my friends!
Al: SHUT UP YOU WHORE! To me, you’re nothin’ more than… I don’t know… but believe me! Me, baby, I’m outta here! What the hell time is it!? Hoo-har!
Marilyn: ...but Al, honey…
Al: WHOAH! What did I say? WHAT! Did I just say?!

So where’s this all going? Lemme think… ah yes, I’ve got it. This film is like a game of football. If you like football, and Collingwood are your favourite team, but you don’t like Nathan Buckley, and Collingwood are playing, you’d be better off watching the tennis. Unless Leyton Hewitt is playing. Then you’re better off with the football. But barracking for the opposition. Yep, that’ll do it.

Wanna see Marilyn in widescreen? How about wiiiiiiiiidescreen? There’s No Business Like Bloody Hell This is a Long Name was shot in CinemaScope, using a 2.55:1 aspect ratio. With all this horizontal expanse, there’s not always great use of space, with early numbers featuring just a few people on stage and big sets. At the end it’s a little better, with the final number featuring about a billion dancers on stage at one time, but unfortunately it’s hardly spectacular. The colours sometimes look stunning, with costumes glittering and vibrant and sets well defined with pretty good detail in the darker recesses, and overall the general impression is a good one for an old film, and probably one of the better looking images of this boxed set.

The use of the CinemaScope format is what dictated the soundtrack configuration, as it recorded four magnetic tracks, thus the Dolby Digital 4 audio. It’s nice and airy, with a good representation of the songs filling the room, but nothing much in the use of the rears to remark upon. If there’s any issue with this, it’s that it does too good a job of revealing just how bad Ethel Merman’s voice really was. It will amaze you that she got a part in this film, I figure she slept with someone to get it, or she had some dirt on the studio bosses. Either way, they’ve let her sing far too many songs, and they don't let Johnnie Ray sing enough. This guy is brilliant, he acts like he’s chucking a fit when he sings, with arms swinging around and face contorted. It can be painful to watch, but like a car accident involving naked women you just can’t look away.

Again, another piddling set of extras, with three Theatrical Trailers, a Gallery with ONE! one-sheet poster to look at (don’t blame me, I just report the facts) and a brief Restoration Comparison.