Santa with Muscles

Every director has his or her crowning achievement. In 1972, Francis Ford Coppola hit his peak with The Godfather. Orson Welles would climb the summit of public adulation and wave triumphantly with Citizen Kane in 1941. Steven Spielberg would go all black and white on us to perfect his craft in 1993 with Schindler’s List...

For director John Murlowski, the pinnacle of his success would come in 1996 with Santa with Muscles. Proving to doubters that yes, he is a bigger dickhead than anyone originally believed, he worked with Hulk Hogan for THE SECOND TIME to make this film. No, film is the wrong word... this child spawn of Satan of a movie, is a better description.

It pains me to tell you what this film is about. Heck, it pained me just to watch it. While it played, occasionally I would glance out the window. Outside I could see the sun shining, birds fluttering in the breeze, children running wild, the grass growing.

I COULD SEE THE GRASS GROWING, for chrissakes! That’s how much I didn’t like this.

Okay, lemme pull myself together and try get through this. Hulk is a stupid evil rich bastard KILL ME who gets hit on the head KILL ME and then thinks he’s KILL ME Santa Claus. Then he tries to save AIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!KILL MEEEE! an orphanage from someone trying to buy it or close it or something, I dunno, I don’t think I was really paying attention after three minutes. Stuff 'em all. Burn down the orphanage, sell the kids into slavery! Anything to be done with this vileness. Kids, listen up - THERE IS NO SANTA! And if there was, he wouldn't look like a wrestler. Well, Andre the Giant maybe, but not Hulk Hogan.

It can only be hoped that John Murlowski has discovered God since making this movie, and he has decided to give up filmmaking for a life of quiet reflection in a monastery in far off Bombay.

Otherwise, we may have to kill him.

Best as I can figure it, this film was shot in crap-o-vision, a process where all intelligence and competency is chemically removed from the print during filming. This DVD looks to have been transferred as an open matte full frame job. The trailer seems to show the original format as being around 1.85:1 or so, but frankly the less of the image we get of this film the better in this case. They should have gone the opposite way and closed the matte all the way I reckon. As for the quality, generally at times it looks like the source was a VHS rental tape from Blockbuster, with washed out whites, lots of aliasing and shimmering, and shoddy detail consistency. The only positive thing I can say is that the colours were reasonably vibrant, but I really hate to say it because you might get the idea of buying this DVD. The fact that the film sucks and no-one will ever watch this film other than reviewers means that it makes no difference what it looks like anyway. If you give this to your kids as a gift you deserve them to turn out as delinquents later in life. It will be your fault.

I expected no more than a Dolby Digital 2.0 stereo mix for this film, and guess what we get? A DD EX 5.1 mix! Just kidding. Actually, it’s in Dolby Digital Dirt. Sorry, it’s really just a DD 2.0 stereo effort. That’s fine with me, I really didn’t want to waste the other speakers on this crap anyway. Save the surrounds for something worthwhile, I say.

Suffice to say, the sound is mostly flat, lifeless and very very ordinary at best. But then again, there’s nothing here worth listening to, so bugger it.

Thank God the only other thing I had to look at on this disc was a trailer.

Is there someone you really, really hate? I mean really hate, with all your heart? Someone you wish very bad things upon? If so, give them this DVD. Then they'll know just how you feel.

Many questions came to mind after viewing this film. First, "Why make it?". Then, in no particular order, "Why Hulk Hogan?", "What were they thinking?", "Were they on drugs at the time?" and "Why did I choose this DVD to review?"

Well, actually, the answer to the last question is because I'm such a nice guy (clearly demented, but nice). So don't let this review be in vain, heed my warnings and stay away from this DVD.

This review has been a Community Service.